i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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