she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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