I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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