First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
