I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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