i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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