is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
