Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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