I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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