I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
