I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
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Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
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