im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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