Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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