Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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