Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Found the puke drawer
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
