He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
