so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
