I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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