The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she told me i tasted like america
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
