I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
