I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
