My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
