When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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