I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
