I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
