You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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