new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
