God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
