Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
