hell yes lets make some ravioli
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
