I will die if light touches me.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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