youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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