The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I love you.
Bad choice
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
