I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
