do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
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Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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