Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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