she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
