the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
