my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You made out with two different species that night
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
