Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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