if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
