I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
