I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
