It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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