You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
