I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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