I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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