ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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