Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
