is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Four minutes until I can fart!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
