My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
tell me about the eggs
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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