Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
