he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
