it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
