This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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